I Never Got to Say This Out Loud | Breakup With No Closure

This is what it feels like to go through a breakup with no closure.

I don’t know why I still think about him.

After everything that happened, I should’ve let go by now. But it still stays with me. The memories. The confusion. The pain from how it all ended without any real conversation.

I remember losing the baby. I remember being in the worst emotional state I’ve ever been in. And I remember him slowly pulling away, until he just wasn’t there anymore.

He told me he’d always have my back. But when things got really hard, he left. When I was in the residential program, all I wanted was to come home. I said it over and over. I told him I missed home, that I missed us. But instead of helping me come back, he told people things that made me sound unstable. He shut me out. He made excuses.

I still don’t understand why we couldn’t just talk. Why he didn’t sit with me and say what he was really feeling. Why he made it seem like it was all in my head. He even told me once it was because of the miscarriage—that’s why I was struggling—but then he acted like he had nothing to do with any of it.

But he did.

The trust was already breaking before that. He wasn’t being honest with me. And instead of working on it, he gave up. Quietly. Without a real goodbye.

He took me out to eat. He smiled at me. He acted like everything was fine. And then he told me he had already filed for divorce. Just like that. Like it wasn’t a big deal. Like our whole life together didn’t mean anything.

Even now, sometimes I miss him. I hate admitting that, but I do. Not because I’ve forgotten what he did. I remember everything. But there’s still that part of me that hoped we could fix it. That believed we were supposed to be something more.

And I still don’t get how someone can say they love you, then walk away like it was nothing.

I don’t hate him. I don’t even want to fight. I just wish things went differently. I wish he could’ve seen how much I was hurting. I wish he didn’t treat me like I didn’t matter. And I wish he didn’t make decisions behind my back like I didn’t deserve a say.

I’ve held this in for a long time. And maybe this won’t change anything. But I needed to say it.

Because it still hurts. And I still think about it.

And maybe I always will.